I wish everyone who celebrates the American tradition of Thanksgiving a very happy holiday. I am taking this day to reflect. Today I have not indulged in overeating or eating anything that I will regret tomorrow. I have taken today off from celebrating while I hope everyone else has that holiday feast they enjoy.

It’s not that I am against Thanksgiving and the excessive amounts of food that everyone seems to think is necessary to have a good time. I just didn’t want to take part this year. There is much I have to be thankful for – a loving husband, a warm house to keep me comfortable in the cold weather, my two dogs who love me unconditionally – especially when I have food. It’s just that this year, I need to discover who I am. I’ve not figured it out after 58 years.

From an early age I have enjoyed eating. But as I got older, food became my friend. Now it is poised to be my enemy. I struggle with the need to eat to live but I want to live to eat. After years of losing the battle with my weight, my body has turned against me in other ways. Eating certain foods now brings discomfort instead of satisfaction. Wheat makes my stomach feel like I’ve swallowed a brick. Milk products make me feel bloated and gassy. Feeling lousy after eating foods that used to be comfort foods doesn’t work for me.

I think my obsession with food has been my cover up for feelings of loss – physically and emotionally. Now that I have had almost a year to deal with my thoughts in writing, I realize my relationship with food isn’t physically or emotionally healthy. Why am I relying on a piece of chocolate or a scoop (or two) of ice cream to make me feel better? The sad truth is that I have not addressed what is making me turn to food for comfort. I need to find a way to be thankful for the other parts of my life that make me happy and start to release those uncomfortable feelings that hold me to overeating and inertia.

I hope that next year that I will be thankful for the clarity of thought that eliminates food as a source of comfort.

Happy Thanksgiving!